I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
