I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
