I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
