fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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