Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
