I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
