Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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