You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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