Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
