Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
