he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
