in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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