I think i sorta joined a cult last night
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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