I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
