He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
