If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
