I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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