OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
