People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
