So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
