If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
