Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
