I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
