god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
