Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Screwed.edu
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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