Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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