I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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