i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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