so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i now understand why vodka
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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