I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I want her autograph on my taint
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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