I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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