I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
