I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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