I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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