i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You made out with two different species that night
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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