I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
