I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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