There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
