I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
