So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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