Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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