Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
