There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
