So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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