Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
