Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
