If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
