There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
