I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
please don't ironically join a cult
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