got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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