Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
