I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
