eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
