I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
