I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he laminated a picture of his dick.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
