How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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