A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I did not marry a roomba.
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