I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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