everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
