You just made me feel so damn special
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
FUCK WHALES
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