I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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