nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
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I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
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I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize